He was crazy, fun and energetic,” shared nine-year-old Lena Patterson. In 2021, Lena and her parents, Emily and Brian Patterson, lost their close family friend, J., or, as Lena lovingly referred to him, Uncle J. “He would always play with me and watch TV shows and movies with me,” shared Lena. J. even took Lena to Applebee’s where he worked at the start of the pandemic and let her make her own meal. Lena shared with a big smile that she made chicken fingers and French fries. He also let her go into the walk-in freezer, which was a special treat. “We had a lot of fun times together,” expressed Lena.

J.’s illness progressed quickly. “We learned that J. was diagnosed with cancer while we were visiting him and his family for a week’s vacation in Minnesota,” shared Emily. During that visit was also when J.’s family was told that he had cancer. “We were navigating that with him and his family in almost real-time,” explained Brian. J. courageously fought his battle with cancer from July to September 2021.

Emily and Brian have been volunteering for Camp Chimaqua, the Pathways Center for Grief & Loss’ overnight grief camp for children, for 13 years as buddies, so they were familiar with the Center and its services to help families cope with the loss of a loved one. “Trying to figure out how to deal with a loss for my child was a new experience,” shared Brian. “I have been on the other side as a camp buddy helping other children cope, but now I had a child dealing with a loss and I thought, how do I navigate this?”

Support after Loss

The Pattersons’ participated in the Pathways Center’s Coping Kids & Teens Program, including Camp Chimaqua, in 2022. Coping Kids & Teens helps children, teens and families learn about loss, develop coping skills, and build self-confidence through fun-filled activities and opportunities for small- and large-group sharing in a safe atmosphere. Camp Chimaqua, a three-day overnight weekend camp for grieving children, provides a safe, accepting and healing environment to better understand and express feelings of grief and loss.

“After losing Uncle J., I was really upset and a lot of the time I would go to my room and start crying,” explained Lena. “At school, kids would stay away from me because they didn’t think I looked like myself. I didn’t know how to share how I was feeling.” At the first session of Coping Kids & Teens, Lena didn’t know what to talk about, she was nervous and didn’t know what to do. But that all changed after a few Coping Kids & Teens’ sessions. “My favorite part of Coping Kids & Teens was playing Jenga with everyone,” smiled Lena. “We would answer grief-related questions that were written on the over-sized blocks.”

When a child or teen is involved in a group setting, they learn very quickly that they are not alone, which is critical for anyone who is grieving but particularly important for children and teens. “When children and teens are around other bereaved kids, it’s very empowering for them,” explained Diane Kulas, Children’s Services Coordinator, Pathways Center for Grief & Loss. “It solidifies what we are teaching them at Pathways and validates that their thoughts and feelings are very normal. The peer-to-peer component of Coping Kids & Teens is very critical.”

“It was really helpful for us to go to Coping Kids & Teens because we learned that what we were experiencing wasn’t unique and that we had similar struggles to other families,” shared Emily. “We could relate to people who felt like they were alone as well. It was a good consistent way to honor J. and to talk about him in a safe place where people didn’t pass judgment. You find that when you are walking through a battle with someone who is dying, people don’t know how to respond or how to talk to you. But, when you’re in a room full of people who understand that process, you can relate on a deeper level.”

“If adults are grieving, too, it is important for them to model how to grieve and cope for their child or teen,” explained Diane. “Often adults will say that they need to make sure that their kids are okay, putting their own grief on hold. What they often forget is that to make sure their kids are okay, they need to first take care of themselves.”

During the sessions, Brian found that learning about secondary losses associated with the primary loss was really helpful. “Secondary losses are all the changes/losses that occur as a result of the death,” shared Diane. “There may be a financial loss due to a loss of a spouse, change to family traditions, a child needs to move to a new home or new school, new responsibilities for family members, etc. In the sessions, we talk about the fact that these secondary losses are often overlooked by the people around us, and we do not recognize or understand how these changes impact our grief and ability to mourn.”

“While I have been part of Camp Chimaqua for a long time, it had been a while since I had experienced a loss prior to J.’s death,” shared Brian. “It was putting myself back into those shoes again. It was helpful for me to identify my secondary losses to make more sense of what I was feeling.”

Remembering Uncle J.

“My favorite parts of camp were the bubble slip n’ slide, parachute, creating luminaries, and hanging out with my buddy, Robin,” smiled Lena. A trained adult buddy is paired with each child for companionship, support and supervision throughout the weekend. “I had a pretty special buddy. She was really fun and would always talk with me and do stuff with me. I was so happy when I found out Robin was my buddy, as I got to know her through Coping Kids & Teens. She was like my buddy all along.”

“There was so much emotion during the luminary ceremony,” commented Emily. During camp, children draw pictures or write words on luminaries to remember their loved ones. On the final night of camp, candles are placed inside the Mason jar luminaries and placed along the shoreline of the lake at Gretna Glen. “It made it okay to talk about our loss, and those memories and stories that were drawn on the luminary connect us. In times of sadness we can remember what is really important to us.”

Giving Back

“I experienced a lot of death and loss as a child, so volunteering at Camp Chimaqua was something that really touched me,” explained Emily. “It was something fun for Brian and I to do together, and we quickly fell in love with it. Seeing the volunteers who come back each year creates a sense of connectedness. It is a unique opportunity, and I really feel privileged to be a part of it. We believe in this program so deeply in our heart of hearts. We never want it to go away; we live and breathe it.”